You ever have one of those moments where everything comes crashing down around you and in that moment you have an out of body experience where you say to yourself, “how in the hell did I get here?”.
Yeah, I have had my fair share of those too. More so lately then I ever wanted to imagine was possible. You get in this groove where you are living life and trucking along thinking this is awesome, then something happens that knocks the air out of you.
People say to trust your gut. When you know, you know. Looking back I now wish I would have listened to that little voice a little more than I did. Maybe that would have softened the blow of the reality of my situation and stopped the endless amounts of self-loathing and doubt that inevitably followed.
They say that when you get married and commit to someone for the rest of your life you will be with the person whom your heart finds solace. Where you can be yourself and in so many words lose yourself in and with. They don’t prepare you for the heartache and pain you feel when your world that you worked so hard to build implodes and the ticking time bomb that is just waiting to go off when all of it is laid bare.
I’ll never forget the night when I finally had the courage to listen to that little voice inside my head and confront the elephant in the room. I had just come home from visiting my family out of state when I confronted my husband and asked him that really hard, scary question. Even though I knew the answer, with all my heart I knew the answer, but I spent so long trying to convince myself that I was the one that was crazy. That I was making all of this up in my head and all my insecurities were making this into something that it wasn’t. It was just that.
He acted surprised. Like, he had was not prepared or even thought I knew what was going on. He was laying on the couch when I came downstairs and told him we needed to talk. At that time he was not willing to talk and tried to shut me down like he had so many other times, but I had had enough. It was like word vomit. It just came out. No matter how hard I tried to be respectful or tactful in my approach – it just came out.
“It’s because you love her, isn’t it?”.
That was all that needed to be said in that very moment for us to both realize that there was nothing left to hide and shit was about to get real. Very real.