The end is near.

Went to the mailbox today and saw the ominous manila envelope slightly bent and perched against the side of my mailbox.  My heart sank as soon as my mind registered what it was and exactly what was contained inside of it.  At this point my hands are shaking and I am trying so hard to hold back the tears but inevitably they start to fall.

I sat at my kitchen table for what seemed like hours just staring at the envelope contemplating if I wanted to open it and face the reality of what it means. In my own thoughts – almost like tunnel vision, I can only see the envelope and nothing around me.  It is only then when my dog decides it is the perfect time to lick my hand to bring me back to the here and now that I realize I spent 20 minutes just sitting here staring at an envelope.

I take a deep breath and rip it open; carefully of course.

There is it. Everything that I worked so hard to save, to keep together was all on pieces of paper. I thumbed through to see who the judge was and wondered if when signing they thought about the ramifications of the situation. But of course they didn’t. There it was, in black ink, honorable judge so and so.

Just like that – it was over.

I knew this was over the day we went and signed the papers and I remember leaving the attorneys office feeling this sense of freedom. Like my chains had finally been lifted and I couldn’t wait for the future.

But right now the tear stains on my divorce decree show that even with the new sense of freedom I still feel lost and afraid. I honestly thought that I had cried all my tears over the loss of my marriage and all the lies that were uncovered during the divorce, but that just isn’t the case. I thought I prepared myself for the emotions and feelings I would have when I got the papers, but nothing could prepare me for the feelings of despair and grief I feel.  I spent so many months fighting to be strong and unbreakable for my children and my family that I forgot I need to allow myself to feel these things.  I can’t hide from it anymore. This isn’t a dream.

So today I am allowing myself to morn and cry like a baby only to know that when I pick myself back up – there will be NO stopping me.  That this is my life and I now get to write it the way I want to write it and I have a pen full of ink loaded and ready to go!!



The tides have changed.

As I sit here on my couch reliving today I can’t help but feel at a loss for words.  That old mantra – one step forward, two steps back; is so true today.

You think you are making progress with things, things are starting to finally fall into place when something happens and everything you have worked for is gone. Just like that. No amount of apologizing will change the fact that things are bad and getting worse.

I have tried very hard to be the bigger person in this whole dilemma that is divorce. I have done what I felt I needed to do to have a ‘good’ divorce. You know the ones where both parties can leave without any ill will towards the other?

Well my days of just saying okay came to an end today. I finally put my foot down and stood up for myself; which is something I probably should have done more of in the beginning.  My new found sense of self was more detrimental than it was helpful, and my soon to be ex-husband was less than impressed.

I may not have wanted this divorce and I sure as hell wasn’t the one who left my spouse for someone else, but I have done everything in my power to keep this as civil and friendly as possible. Especially for our children. But when something is being done that is wrong and I don’t agree with it I am going to say something.

This time I didn’t hold back. All the anger I have felt for the past couple months came out in full force – in the middle of a public place no less.  I didn’t care anymore that people were watching and that I looked like an idiot, but damnit enough is enough. I am not one for confrontation and fighting in general but there was no holding back. It was like Pandora’s box had been opened and his shit was going to be laid bare.

Looking back at what happened today with a little more clarity and with the emotions appeased for the moment I can’t help but wonder if I really screwed the pooch.

There was one thing that happened through out our marriage and even when we were dating over and over again; he was a master manipulator and made damn sure I knew that he was in control. All the time. I had hoped that this divorce was going to be different, but it hasn’t been. His need to control me and manipulate the situation has come to bite him in the rear end. I am no longer going to allow him to treat me like he did for so long and he isn’t going to make this situation my fault. I have allowed him to call the shots for so long thinking that was what good wives do. But no more.

So now I am looking at a court battle with someone who is evil and vindictive in his way of fighting. He never loses and is always right. Always right.  I can’t help but think that I got myself in this situation and if I would have just kept my mouth shut the waters would be calm.  No. Instead I had to go and ruffle the feathers and wake this beast inside him that should always be dormant. Believe me. That thing is nasty.

So where do I go from here?  Has the power in this shifted? Is it in my hands now or have I just lost everything that I worked so hard to maintain? Was this change of heart and my new found ‘strength’ the thing that destroys me in the end?

I don’t know… I just don’t know…

Pinch me. Am I dreaming?

Every morning I wake up and have to pinch myself just to prove that this isn’t a dream; that this is MY new reality. Mornings are quiet now. There is a sense of dread when I get up knowing that there is no one here but me and the dogs.

I used to wake up to the sounds of the shower going and my husband getting ready for work in the mornings. Followed by the kids getting up and pretending to be excited about going to school that day.  I used to look forward to having the house to myself for a couple hours. Now its just me in an apartment that I am trying to convince myself is home. The only time that it remotely feels like home is when my kids are here, and I only get them durning the week.  Which is great and all but the weekends are a struggle.

You spend so much time in a home that you built with your partner and the noises, sounds and smells you became accustomed to are gone it sends you for a loop. You are thrown into a place that has all of your stuff and pictures on the wall, so this must be home right?  Wrong! Home never had neighbors screaming outside until the early hours of the morning. It didn’t have people walking up and down the stairs all hours of the day while talking with NO volume control and refuse to notice that other people live here too. I now have to fight for a decent parking spot and carry my groceries up 3 flights of stairs. All the stairs aren’t that bad; my ass hasn’t looked this good in years so thats a plus!

I don’t want to make it sound like I am complaining or anything; change is hard. I expected to spend the rest of my life with the man that I loved dearly. Raise our kids in our home that we bought because it was big enough for our family to grow into. The hopes and dreams we had together are gone and I am now faced with having to make new dreams without him.

My head is still spinning. I know this is my new reality, but how in the hell did I get here? Did I miss something along the way that said your husband is going to leave you and you are going to be forced to start over without him? I’ve been on my own place for almost 2 months now and I still wait to hear the garage door open at night and wait for the , “Hi baby, I’m home”.

It hasn’t come yet and it won’t.

The reality of my situation is my husband left me for someone else and I have to move on without him, knowing he isn’t coming back.  At this point – I don’t want him back,  but my head is still trying to wrap itself around the fact that my marriage is over and the life that I planned for myself is over.

On to plan B …

Tick. Tick. Boom.

You ever have one of those moments where everything comes crashing down around you and in that moment you have an out of body experience where you say to yourself, “how in the hell did I get here?”.

Yeah, I have had my fair share of those too. More so lately then I ever wanted to imagine was possible. You get in this groove where you are living life and trucking along thinking this is awesome, then something happens that knocks the air out of you.

People say to trust your gut. When you know, you know. Looking back I now wish I would have listened to that little voice a little more than I did.  Maybe that would have softened the blow of the reality of my situation and stopped the endless amounts of self-loathing and doubt that inevitably followed.

They say that when you get married and commit to someone for the rest of your life you will be with the person whom your heart finds solace. Where you can be yourself and in so many words lose yourself in and with. They don’t prepare you for the heartache and pain you feel when your world that you worked so hard to build implodes and the ticking time bomb that is just waiting to go off when all of it is laid bare.

I’ll never forget the night when I finally had the courage to listen to that little voice inside my head and confront the elephant in the room. I had just come home from visiting my family out of state when I confronted my husband and asked him that really hard, scary question. Even though I knew the answer, with all my heart I knew the answer, but I spent so long trying to convince myself that I was the one that was crazy. That I was making all of this up in my head and all my insecurities were making this into something that it wasn’t. It was just that.

He acted surprised. Like, he had was not prepared or even thought I knew what was going on. He was laying on the couch when I came downstairs and told him we needed to talk. At that time he was not willing to talk and tried to shut me down like he had so many other times, but I had had enough. It was like word vomit. It just came out. No matter how hard I tried to be respectful or tactful in my approach – it just came out.

“It’s because you love her, isn’t it?”.

That was all that needed to be said in that very moment for us to both realize that there was nothing left to hide and shit was about to get real.  Very real.