The end is near.

Went to the mailbox today and saw the ominous manila envelope slightly bent and perched against the side of my mailbox.  My heart sank as soon as my mind registered what it was and exactly what was contained inside of it.  At this point my hands are shaking and I am trying so hard to hold back the tears but inevitably they start to fall.

I sat at my kitchen table for what seemed like hours just staring at the envelope contemplating if I wanted to open it and face the reality of what it means. In my own thoughts – almost like tunnel vision, I can only see the envelope and nothing around me.  It is only then when my dog decides it is the perfect time to lick my hand to bring me back to the here and now that I realize I spent 20 minutes just sitting here staring at an envelope.

I take a deep breath and rip it open; carefully of course.

There is it. Everything that I worked so hard to save, to keep together was all on pieces of paper. I thumbed through to see who the judge was and wondered if when signing they thought about the ramifications of the situation. But of course they didn’t. There it was, in black ink, honorable judge so and so.

Just like that – it was over.

I knew this was over the day we went and signed the papers and I remember leaving the attorneys office feeling this sense of freedom. Like my chains had finally been lifted and I couldn’t wait for the future.

But right now the tear stains on my divorce decree show that even with the new sense of freedom I still feel lost and afraid. I honestly thought that I had cried all my tears over the loss of my marriage and all the lies that were uncovered during the divorce, but that just isn’t the case. I thought I prepared myself for the emotions and feelings I would have when I got the papers, but nothing could prepare me for the feelings of despair and grief I feel.  I spent so many months fighting to be strong and unbreakable for my children and my family that I forgot I need to allow myself to feel these things.  I can’t hide from it anymore. This isn’t a dream.

So today I am allowing myself to morn and cry like a baby only to know that when I pick myself back up – there will be NO stopping me.  That this is my life and I now get to write it the way I want to write it and I have a pen full of ink loaded and ready to go!!

 

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Pinch me. Am I dreaming?

Every morning I wake up and have to pinch myself just to prove that this isn’t a dream; that this is MY new reality. Mornings are quiet now. There is a sense of dread when I get up knowing that there is no one here but me and the dogs.

I used to wake up to the sounds of the shower going and my husband getting ready for work in the mornings. Followed by the kids getting up and pretending to be excited about going to school that day.  I used to look forward to having the house to myself for a couple hours. Now its just me in an apartment that I am trying to convince myself is home. The only time that it remotely feels like home is when my kids are here, and I only get them durning the week.  Which is great and all but the weekends are a struggle.

You spend so much time in a home that you built with your partner and the noises, sounds and smells you became accustomed to are gone it sends you for a loop. You are thrown into a place that has all of your stuff and pictures on the wall, so this must be home right?  Wrong! Home never had neighbors screaming outside until the early hours of the morning. It didn’t have people walking up and down the stairs all hours of the day while talking with NO volume control and refuse to notice that other people live here too. I now have to fight for a decent parking spot and carry my groceries up 3 flights of stairs. All the stairs aren’t that bad; my ass hasn’t looked this good in years so thats a plus!

I don’t want to make it sound like I am complaining or anything; change is hard. I expected to spend the rest of my life with the man that I loved dearly. Raise our kids in our home that we bought because it was big enough for our family to grow into. The hopes and dreams we had together are gone and I am now faced with having to make new dreams without him.

My head is still spinning. I know this is my new reality, but how in the hell did I get here? Did I miss something along the way that said your husband is going to leave you and you are going to be forced to start over without him? I’ve been on my own place for almost 2 months now and I still wait to hear the garage door open at night and wait for the , “Hi baby, I’m home”.

It hasn’t come yet and it won’t.

The reality of my situation is my husband left me for someone else and I have to move on without him, knowing he isn’t coming back.  At this point – I don’t want him back,  but my head is still trying to wrap itself around the fact that my marriage is over and the life that I planned for myself is over.

On to plan B …