Went to the mailbox today and saw the ominous manila envelope slightly bent and perched against the side of my mailbox. My heart sank as soon as my mind registered what it was and exactly what was contained inside of it. At this point my hands are shaking and I am trying so hard to hold back the tears but inevitably they start to fall.
I sat at my kitchen table for what seemed like hours just staring at the envelope contemplating if I wanted to open it and face the reality of what it means. In my own thoughts – almost like tunnel vision, I can only see the envelope and nothing around me. It is only then when my dog decides it is the perfect time to lick my hand to bring me back to the here and now that I realize I spent 20 minutes just sitting here staring at an envelope.
I take a deep breath and rip it open; carefully of course.
There is it. Everything that I worked so hard to save, to keep together was all on pieces of paper. I thumbed through to see who the judge was and wondered if when signing they thought about the ramifications of the situation. But of course they didn’t. There it was, in black ink, honorable judge so and so.
Just like that – it was over.
I knew this was over the day we went and signed the papers and I remember leaving the attorneys office feeling this sense of freedom. Like my chains had finally been lifted and I couldn’t wait for the future.
But right now the tear stains on my divorce decree show that even with the new sense of freedom I still feel lost and afraid. I honestly thought that I had cried all my tears over the loss of my marriage and all the lies that were uncovered during the divorce, but that just isn’t the case. I thought I prepared myself for the emotions and feelings I would have when I got the papers, but nothing could prepare me for the feelings of despair and grief I feel. I spent so many months fighting to be strong and unbreakable for my children and my family that I forgot I need to allow myself to feel these things. I can’t hide from it anymore. This isn’t a dream.
So today I am allowing myself to morn and cry like a baby only to know that when I pick myself back up – there will be NO stopping me. That this is my life and I now get to write it the way I want to write it and I have a pen full of ink loaded and ready to go!!