The end is near.

Went to the mailbox today and saw the ominous manila envelope slightly bent and perched against the side of my mailbox.  My heart sank as soon as my mind registered what it was and exactly what was contained inside of it.  At this point my hands are shaking and I am trying so hard to hold back the tears but inevitably they start to fall.

I sat at my kitchen table for what seemed like hours just staring at the envelope contemplating if I wanted to open it and face the reality of what it means. In my own thoughts – almost like tunnel vision, I can only see the envelope and nothing around me.  It is only then when my dog decides it is the perfect time to lick my hand to bring me back to the here and now that I realize I spent 20 minutes just sitting here staring at an envelope.

I take a deep breath and rip it open; carefully of course.

There is it. Everything that I worked so hard to save, to keep together was all on pieces of paper. I thumbed through to see who the judge was and wondered if when signing they thought about the ramifications of the situation. But of course they didn’t. There it was, in black ink, honorable judge so and so.

Just like that – it was over.

I knew this was over the day we went and signed the papers and I remember leaving the attorneys office feeling this sense of freedom. Like my chains had finally been lifted and I couldn’t wait for the future.

But right now the tear stains on my divorce decree show that even with the new sense of freedom I still feel lost and afraid. I honestly thought that I had cried all my tears over the loss of my marriage and all the lies that were uncovered during the divorce, but that just isn’t the case. I thought I prepared myself for the emotions and feelings I would have when I got the papers, but nothing could prepare me for the feelings of despair and grief I feel.  I spent so many months fighting to be strong and unbreakable for my children and my family that I forgot I need to allow myself to feel these things.  I can’t hide from it anymore. This isn’t a dream.

So today I am allowing myself to morn and cry like a baby only to know that when I pick myself back up – there will be NO stopping me.  That this is my life and I now get to write it the way I want to write it and I have a pen full of ink loaded and ready to go!!

 

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The tides have changed.

As I sit here on my couch reliving today I can’t help but feel at a loss for words.  That old mantra – one step forward, two steps back; is so true today.

You think you are making progress with things, things are starting to finally fall into place when something happens and everything you have worked for is gone. Just like that. No amount of apologizing will change the fact that things are bad and getting worse.

I have tried very hard to be the bigger person in this whole dilemma that is divorce. I have done what I felt I needed to do to have a ‘good’ divorce. You know the ones where both parties can leave without any ill will towards the other?

Well my days of just saying okay came to an end today. I finally put my foot down and stood up for myself; which is something I probably should have done more of in the beginning.  My new found sense of self was more detrimental than it was helpful, and my soon to be ex-husband was less than impressed.

I may not have wanted this divorce and I sure as hell wasn’t the one who left my spouse for someone else, but I have done everything in my power to keep this as civil and friendly as possible. Especially for our children. But when something is being done that is wrong and I don’t agree with it I am going to say something.

This time I didn’t hold back. All the anger I have felt for the past couple months came out in full force – in the middle of a public place no less.  I didn’t care anymore that people were watching and that I looked like an idiot, but damnit enough is enough. I am not one for confrontation and fighting in general but there was no holding back. It was like Pandora’s box had been opened and his shit was going to be laid bare.

Looking back at what happened today with a little more clarity and with the emotions appeased for the moment I can’t help but wonder if I really screwed the pooch.

There was one thing that happened through out our marriage and even when we were dating over and over again; he was a master manipulator and made damn sure I knew that he was in control. All the time. I had hoped that this divorce was going to be different, but it hasn’t been. His need to control me and manipulate the situation has come to bite him in the rear end. I am no longer going to allow him to treat me like he did for so long and he isn’t going to make this situation my fault. I have allowed him to call the shots for so long thinking that was what good wives do. But no more.

So now I am looking at a court battle with someone who is evil and vindictive in his way of fighting. He never loses and is always right. Always right.  I can’t help but think that I got myself in this situation and if I would have just kept my mouth shut the waters would be calm.  No. Instead I had to go and ruffle the feathers and wake this beast inside him that should always be dormant. Believe me. That thing is nasty.

So where do I go from here?  Has the power in this shifted? Is it in my hands now or have I just lost everything that I worked so hard to maintain? Was this change of heart and my new found ‘strength’ the thing that destroys me in the end?

I don’t know… I just don’t know…